i can never think of these anymore

remembering how i had no friends back in high school is hugely reassuring to me. i must have been doing something right.

i'm allowed to do this

doesn't liking pearl jam just scream "HELLO, I'M GREASY"?

i made it hap'n with the cap'n

i just had a bowl of cereal with an unbelievable milk to cereal ratio. i swear to god, even to the last spoonful, the proportions were absolutely perfect. there wasn't even one dry lonely unit of cereal, nor a single drop of sugary milk left behind. and i was left with a satisfied but not disgustingly full feeling. i'm going to remember this moment forever.

plus they smell like onion pizza

what the fuck was i thinking, reorganizing the dungeons & dragons books in alphabetical order at work? that shit's like dusting in the middle of a sandstorm. except instead of a sandstorm, fucking, ugly people.

seriously

who wants to help me destroy mtv?


seriously.

apelsin krokant

is anyone else fucking tired of all these bearded guys?

you know the ones i'm talking about.

uh huh, this ma shit

i'm starting a new crime fighting team. we're going to be called POETIC JUSTICE. normally i'm a fan of all lowercase but this is a situation that calls for all caps. we're going to have the coolest fucking uniforms.
i get the best epiphanies at 12:46am on monday nights/tuesday mornings when i'm about an inch from death. 3 hour daily commutes with no sars mask and henry angus bathrooms seem to have combined into one giant force intent on kicking my ass. i might as well wear a t-shirt with flashing lights spelling out PLEASE, COUGH ON ME.

but is it "facebook official"?

i've officially cut ham out of my life.

bacon and i are still cool, however straightup ham just makes me feel like i'm eating baby. not that there's anything wrong with that, but come on. there's a time and place for everything.