THAT'S why you always use a condom

the other day i decided i felt like buying some low-priced goods produced by the hands of underpaid third world children. so my brother and i went to Walmart. it was all good until we got to the paper towel and cleaning supplies aisle (how ironic, keep reading) when my brother exclaimed "something smells like jizz". for those of you who don't know my brother, it didn't really smell like jizz, that's just the universal word meaning disgusting. so yeah, it was pretty gross but us being civilised human beings we didn't think what was coming was even possible. so we kept walking through this aforementioned aisle when we discovered a USED DIAPER with all kinds of solid substances and mysterious liquids on it lying face up on the floor. i think one of us screamed. then i looked at the bottoms of my shoes to make sure i didn't step on any of that shit (literally) and we chose the most convenient exit. to the parent responsible for that mess, thanks a lot, i'll never eat guacamole again*. i hope something terrible happens to you like the equivalent of if we lived in the Star Wars world, where you would fall into the pit of the carkoon: nesting place of the all-powerful sarlaac. but not in the special edition where the tongue-ish thing grabs you, you would just fall right in there and find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a thousand years. ugh, babies. they make me want to barf all over someone's head.

*by "never again" i mean "for a few weeks"