ladies and gentlemen...

we sell soul says: im TRYING to get myself sick right now so i wont have to go [to school]
it's exactly what it looks like says: i have mono u can have that
it's exactly what it looks like says: at least i think i do
it's exactly what it looks like says: or i should by now
it's exactly what it looks like says: my whore has it
we sell soul says: i hear mono is cool
it's exactly what it looks like says: but stereo is where its at

gold.
someone drank all the juice i hid, so now i'm drinking some blue gatorade. i put it down on the table just within my range of peripheral vision. i kind of forgot about it until i got really fucking thirsty again a minute ago when i blindly reached over and came dangerously close to drinking a flashlight.

why i love kathleen mellon* and other stories

"how dare you talk to me like that?" said the ogre, who appeared to have fetal alcohol syndrome (long story short, i couldn't control my big fucking mouth at school again. but it only happens when i'm provoked. which i was)
"what are you going to do about it?" i replied (a totally lame reply but you must take note of the fact that this guy doesn't understand big words)
"don't forget to put that slurpee down before you hit us" none other than the coolest lady i know, katy mothertruckinmellon

and the big mean ogre walked away

on a completely different note, this morning i found a bag of prunes in my kitchen. it brought back a wave of childhood memories. i was one of those kids who never ate anything. i swear, before the age of 10 i think i was all photosynthesis and i remember my mother being ecstatic when i went from 20 to 30 lbs. yes, there was a point in my life when i only weighed 20 lbs! ridiculous. and for a while my dad went crazy for prunes. it was so sudden, one day he literally just walked in with a box full of prunes and we had to eat them all. i tried every single fucking trick to try and not eat them. it wasn't that they were actually gross, i just hated being told to eat all the time. of course because god is a fucking jerk, none of my tricks ever worked and i'd always end up eating the little bitches. and when i saw that little bag staring back at me today i got the chills.

*okay, just one of infinite reasons, i don't think blogger could handle it if i listed them all

another blog

inspired again by late night nexopian gold.

i think i would hate people a lot less if i didn't live in coquitlam. or maybe if people weren't so lame. if i were really cool i would've called it co-shit-lam.
oh yeah, i bombed that math provincial pretty fucking badly. so what if no noone in blog land wants to read about my math provincial? i blame scantron.

i love the word geiger counter. it feels pretty in my mouth.

i dedicate this chord to you...

yesterday, a survey was conducted with some groundbreaking results:

given the options of
a) engaging in sexual relations with _______ _______
and
b) death,

2 out of 3 women polled chose death

(however, the sample size was 3. and the third woman is erin)



HE'S GOT A GREAT PERSONALITY.

i'm listening to the spice girls

okay, all that movie talk reminded me of Signs and i couldn't keep this to myself. don't you fucking laugh, it kept me well entertained and taught me the limits of my bladder for about 2 hours. actually, more than that because the damn aliens kept me awake for about a month. the point of this post is, do you remember the book that the kid bought in the movie? probably not, but i want it anyway. it seemed like a really good book. i'm convinced it must not exist and they made it up for the movie because my amazon searches have proved to be fruitless. but i don't really know what i was expecting by typing in "signs alien book."

colder than the coldest winter was cold

AGAIN, i'm a few months too late with this but it still pisses me off how long people dragged lame chuck norris shit on for. it was never funny. there are still a few idiots out there trying to get more mileage out of it and they should drop dead right now. besides, i think dennis quaid is much cooler. sure this is mostly just in reference to a movie character, but he was truly ahead of his time in the timeless classic the day after tomorrow, while simultaneously displaying impressive snow-shoeing and ice-picking skills. also, google him and check out his brother... cousin eddie! jesus christ. what a family. and if you still don't believe me, look outside (note: this only applies to people who live in/around vancouver. because it's march and it fucking snowed yesterday, and now it's all sunny and shit like the sun is trying to pretend nothing happened. dennis quaid, and to a lesser extent, jake gyllenhaal, were on to something)

save me

when i said before that my classes now are dead, i meant it. i'm not exaggerating, all i have to look at is literally, pre-pubescent kids and asians fresh out of the barrel. i miss (hot) civilization.

i wanna fuck you too

i had a very productive day today.

erin loves almost everyone

my sister hogs all the tampons.

lifestyle of a tortured artist for sale

the other day frankie described some nameless ugly, the quintessence of bus stop trash, as looking like "one of those vampires from buffy the vampire slayer." it was like the planets aligned exactly at that precise moment to allow frankie to make one of the most perfect analogies in the history of the centennial book of literary terms. it's uncanny. i just felt like that deserved some kind of recognition on the beelog (say it!). and while i'm on the topic, i totally think i'm in a position to be making fun of other people.

he also ate half of my oatmeal thing. sweet little hombre.