i'm a genius

i'm now taking applications for fake/temporary husbands. what we have to do is get married so i can take all the wedding gifts. so you're gay? even better. my 10th grade acting skills should more than suffice in a convincing performance as your beard. and don't worry, we'll pull a britney before you have enough time to fall in love with me. the benefits will be negotiated. and don't forget the self-addressed stamped envelope, i'm on a fucking fixed income.

katy, i've just saved us thousands of dollars.

fuck

once again, my "if he's funny, he must be hot" theory fails me. case in point: http://www.mcewenphoto.com/photo_favorites.html

the world would be better off without the following

-any person who likes any of these bands: pearl jam, ac/dc, any other "classic rock" (safe, easy shit for stupid people), and any other things i deem unacceptable.
-people who get all excited about yearbook signings, especially if they sign "hags". these people should be shot.
-people who treat their belongings like crap. i'm always a little disgusted when i go to someone's house and see their shit lying around everywhere just waiting to be stepped on or when i happen to see stuff like a cracked cd case on the floor of a car. it may not be any of my business, but i don't like it.
-idiots who dream of "being remembered". why can't you just exist, die and be fucking happy? fuck you, you're not that important. i don't want to be remembered. in fact, i dream of an unmarked grave.
-people who disagree with me when i say i hate janis joplin. i know i've talked about my hate for her many times before but i just can't say it enough. these fuckers think that arguing with me is magically going to make her music not suck. she's almost as bad as pat benatar. i don't care if i go to hell for this. bring on the flames, assholes.
-people who disagree with me, period.
-every single cretin who bought a ticket to this:

qwertyuiop

in just the past few days i met my favourite zombie and the friendliest hooker on the face of the planet.

and on a completely different note, it goes without saying that i'm fucking glad to be out of school. but i am going to miss that one peice of bathroom graffiti in the socials wing that says "boys suck in a non-lesbionic way"

if you're ugly and you know it clap your hands

do you think ugly people know that they're ugly? like let's just say hypothetically, someone looks unfuckingcannily like the rat from ice age. hypothetically. do they watch it and think "hey, that's me"? do scenester trash wake up in the morning satisfied in the knowledge that they're a living joke? if they don't, i think they should. we* as good, socially responsible human beings can't just let people walk around like that. unaware. what we need to do is organize a walk of some kind. wear poo-green ribbons. hand out bumper stickers and pins. have benefit concerts at the VAG to raise awareness. ugly people should know.

i'm just trying to make the world a better place.

*my three friends and i

the following statements are true

andy warhol took a shit and rolled over in his grave on the day kathy was born and on each day a member of VOX came into the earth.

kurt cobain takes a shit and vomits, wherever he is, every time some poor unfortunate soul buys a nirvana shirt from bluenotes.

don't fucking get me started on che guevara.

i ate 3 fudgsicles yesterday

just one of many noteworthy quotes this week:

"we gotta get together to smoke some weed and play that harry potter game" - this i overheard from some girl talking on a cell phone while i was waiting for a bus. she also mentioned her friend trying cocaine for the first time, a fight that occured as a result, dropping out of high school ("only because [she] broke up with [her] boyfriend") and a shitload of other things that made me wonder just what i'd been doing with my life all these years.

oh, and when mothers, drug dealers, and other people who know what's good for you tell you not to rub your eyes, they really fucking mean it. i can't remember ever regretting something this much. not even after aborting kevin's baby. but that's probably because my memory is comparable to that of a goldfish.